Well i slid all over hell's half acres tonight driving home from boxing.

I hope to God that the snow tires show up tomorrow.

Courtroom Drama Queen

The problem with courtroom dramas, courtroom sitcoms starring Harry Anderson and courtroom television shows in general is that they have me utterly convinced that i could probably represent myself in court as well as any lawyer could. Now we all know this is probably not true, but it doesn't mean that i don't believe it.

I do think that i would like to at least try to represent myself...just to see how long it would take before i got thrown out for being in contempt of court.

Actually, that would make for a pretty entertaining combination of intellectual "Jackass" styled reality television. You know, you commit a really dumb assed crime, and then via hidden camera, you are shown trying to legitimately defend yourself in court. That's the catch - though the crime can be dumb, you actually have to try to defend your case, no horsing around.

Snow Tires

Yep so after years & years of saying it, i am FINALLY buying snow tires.

I've been talking about it, writing songs about it, dreaming about it, but now i'm actually doing it.

I went in to Dettmer Tire in downtown Guelph yesterday and ordered 4 Uniroyal Tiger Paw Ice & Snow tires for the TARDIS...err...Echo.

I then made the mistake of going on to the 'net and reading reviews of these tires. I don't know that the 'net is actually a good place to comparison shop. About 1/2 the reviews i read about these tires said they were the absolute worst snow tires, and the other 1/2 said they were a godsend and the best snow tire on Earth. The types of vehicles and geography varied a lot with respect to the reviewers, so i'm not sure what that all means. How can something be the best AND the worst? I'm sure that this would happen with any tires that i read about.

I figure they must surely be better than my current worn out all season tires. The words "all season" are a joke in this country. If all season means "you're fine for 3 out of 4 seasons and then you'll slide around like a dog on a waxed floor" then the term makes sense.

Obviously, you can drive more carefully on your all season tires to minimize sliding and fishtailing, but there's only so much you can do. I have had many near mishaps over the past several years where the guy in front of me slams on his brakes, and then i have to and start skidding like...like...a kid on a go kart track at a birthday party after eating to much cake and he forgets how to drive the go kart properly and there's oil all over the track and he has to pee because he drank too much "swamp water" from the concession stand. Wow. Worst simile or metaphor or whatever you call it ever*.

Anyway, yeah, can drive more carefully in winter, but i'm hoping these snow tires will give me an edge on my daily drive down highway 7 (it runs between cities through open farmland with wind blowing everywhere).



* this is not an invite for grammar nazis** or English majors with virtually unused degrees to step in and offer "friendly advice"

**also known as Scrabble enthusiasts.

It's time to begin beginning the adventure

OK. That does it. I am going down into the basement to officially begin flowcharting for CHOOSE YOUR OWN BLOGVENTURE...which i REALLY had better rename, for fear of lawsuits. I hearby renounce that name (so don't sue me anyone). Henceforth, it will just be known as "blogventure" rather than "choose your own blogventure"...CRAP!!! I TYPED IT AGAIN!

Arrrrgh.

OK.

Some of you were confused by how it will work so here is an example, albeit a brief one. Pretend you're reading the following story, and then make your choice:

"You are feeling very hungry, but cannot decide what to eat. You open the 'fridge door, and inside you see a tub of expired yoghurt, a mysterious salami and on the front of the fridge door, a take-away menu for an Indian restaurant"

Do you (click on your choice of answer):
a)open the yoghurt
b)eat the mysterious salami
c)order take-away from the Indian restaurant

Now, of course there will be MULTIPLE options for you to choose from once it's done. Again, it's going to take me a long time to get this done well. But trust me. It's going to be good. And i claim the idea here officially (as i've done before).

And frankly, i have no idea if this will work for all you Facebookers from their interface.

Adventure 3

Yeah, so you order take-away curry from the restaurant. It shows up and the driver tells you that you are lucky customer #374 that day, and your meal is free!

You eat it and it's really good!

What a happy ending!!

Adventure 2

You pull out the mysterious salami from the meat drawer in the fridge. It is glowing a strange colour but you eat it anyway, because you are either foolhardy or brave, or possibly both.

As you swallow it, you feel a sudden surge of power in your stomach. It turns out this was no ordinary Earth salami, but a Klaxaglovian salami from the Anteries Galaxy. It gives you gastronomical powers well beyond those of mortal men, as well as choppers that can chew through anything!

You end up subcontracting yourself out as a super human "hazardous waste disposal". Radioactive fuel rods, toxic waste, it doesn't matter - you can eat it all!

You make quite a bit of money, and eventually retire happily ever after.

Adventure 1

You open the yoghurt and realize you've made a HORRIBLE and potentially DEADLY mistake. It is very rancid and you are sprayed in the face with spores that turn you into a zombie. You go out into the street and bite your neighbour, and he bites the mailman, and so on and so on.

The entire planet is eventually overrun with yoghurt zombies and that's the end of humanity.

Boy, i bet you're sorry you didn't clean out the fridge properly now!

Lala's questions

Editor (that's just me, actually): I forgot to mention that these questions were put for on Lala's blog - you can see it in my links on the side of this page somewhere, (unless you are part of that multitude [read: 5 people] that insists on reading my blog posts from Facebook rather than from the original source...and then you post your comments on the Facebook notes rather than here on the real blog...anyway i digress and i really don't mind where you read or comment from...) ANYWAY these come from Lala's interview blog post


1. If you were in a beauty pageant what would your talent be and how would you demonstrate it?

Wow this is a tough one for me because i have SO MANY talents. But, truth be told, i am very much an amateurish hack with many of my skillz. I'm sort of a dabbler with many things. Anyway, here is a list of things that i could probably polish up and pull off if i was in a beauty pageant: play an instrument, sing a song, perform a monologue, do a magic trick, demonstrate some martial arts, etc etc - but only half-assed. So in other words, i'd only get through half a song on the piano, i'd forget the lyrics to the song or monologue, i'd screw up the trick (but pull a "magician in trouble" scenario off - something i rely on far too much), i'd accidentally knock the other guy out in the martial arts demo, and so forth.

2. In your wild “yoof” (or perhaps even now) did you have a pulling outfit and what did it consist of?

I'm not from Australia, if that's what you're asking. No, kidding - but since i'm not from Australia, i don't understand what "pulling outfit" means, so i'll just provide an answer without fully understanding the question (something i have experience with...). I used to have a shirt that i made up to resemble a Star Trek uniform. It wasn't even for Hallowe'en. I was in university when i did this and wore it out to a bar.

3. If you were a piece of furniture, what would you be and why?

Possibly a lazy boy chair because i am often the chairman of lazy boy incorporated. Or possibly just a rocking chair because they are nice.

4. If you won 10 million dollars (or pounds) in the Lotto, what would be the first five things you would do with your money?

1) Buy a cup of coffee & a French Crueller (they're way more expensive than regular donuts)
2) Quit my job (yes, i would give a proper 2 weeks notice)
3) Buy my dream car (a Volvo wagon, actually, like the police drive in England)
4) Either give money to charity to help poor people...or buy a jet pack..................Yeah, i'm gonna have to go with the jet pack here.
5) Buy 25 identical plain black suits & white dress shirts for everyday wear (that's pretty much what i would wear were i rich, and not to copy Jeff Berner either)

5. Best drunk story?

Wow, tough question. I don't know what best means, but i'm assuming it means "awful, humiliating & embarrassing but funny to others". This is about my friend. Yeah. My young friend who was 22. A long time ago.

Point form version:
-age 22
-asks girl from work out on a date
-very nervous, roommates suggest having a drink or two before hand to calm the nerves
-has several
-girl shows up, he's sauced (luckily he doesn't show it as much as others might)
-go out to a bar...
-they end up back at place watching tv, he passes out at some point
-wakes with a nice warm fuzzy feeling but then realizes...
-he's peeing himself
-gets up and bolt to the bathroom but runs full force into the doorframe and gets knocked out, falls down on floor
-wake up (still peeing) and crawl to the bathroom (it's too late)
-fall asleep on floor there 'til morning
-wakes up and cleans everything and gets ready for work, then suddenly realizes...
-he doesn't know if the date had gone home before or after the incident...
-goes into work prepared for the worst
-luckily the date had a good time regardless and everything was fine, but he has a difficult time explaining the cut on my forehead...i mean HIS forehead

Man. I almost didn't put that last story in for fear of embarrassing my friend. Wow.

2 Party system

It's been a TWO PARTY WEEKEND. That is not a political statement. Kate & Kyle had a party on Friday night for warming their house, and Bill & Marion had one last night for Bill's birthday and also mustaches. Yes. Everyone had to wear a mustache. I already have one (with a beard- for winter) and people kept berating me for not shaving the beard off. A lot of funny pictures were taken and maybe i'll pilfer some later to post up here.

Many of the pics involve a mullet wig. I did not try on the wig. Trying on a wig when you have hair is fun. When you're bald, it's a cruel reminder. But these pictures are funny. Hopefully i can steal some off of facebook.

Dance-dumped

Oooh, i was reading through some old emails and found a term that i'd long since forgotten about: dance-dumped*.

You probably remember going to high school dances, and watching one of your friends strategically ask someone they liked to dance during a long song like "Stairway to Heaven" or some more current lengthy song. And maybe during that long song, they would ask out that person to go out on a date, or smooch 'em, and that would lead to a nice relationship.

But dance-dumped, that's different. It's the opposite.

Dance-dumping occurs when you are dancing with someone and they break up with you within the span of the song. So they may pick a short song to just say, "you're dumped" and end it, or they may pick a long song if there's some sort of explanation and then speech that comes after it. You may have seen some kids in your highschool dancehall days suddenly crying whilst dancing...and sadly, that was probably dance-dumping in action.

I sort of forgot about dance-dumping until i re-read this email today mentioning that i wanted to sing "Purple Rain" at a CFRU benefit show because i got dance-dumped during it while in highschool. That might sound sadistic or wallowing, but i wanted to sing it at with the Prom Band a few years ago because it would feel like i was stealing that song back from my past somehow. I cannot hit those superhigh woooos at the end but i think it was passable. There does exist a recording of us doing this song, in all its out of tune glory. I wouldn't really know how to post it here and i'm not sure i'd really want to anyway.

I do remember that it did feel a little bit like i took something back for myself by singing it.



*not to be confused with dump-dancing...which you should NOT type into your search engine while at work.

Factual Discrepancies

You know, sooner or later...i'm going to start messing up my facts.

I have been writing a blog for close to 2 years (remember - there is a whole bunch of stuff to be found before i started on Blogger, over at myspace). I try not to repeat stories but every now and again, it happens. Sooner or later i am going to trip myself up by misremembering the facts.

This sort of thing has happened to people more famous than myself. Sir Paul McCartney has often recounted one thing, but then if you read earlier interviews with him, the facts don't add up. I don't fault him for this.

The other thing is that i will admit that i often exaggerate or embellish stories. There's little entertainment to be had from a non-embellished story. This doesn't mean i'm making stuff up, but more that certain parts of a story warrant a tiny bit of exaggeration. So it's possible that if i recount the same story later, some details may change slightly. I think this is human nature at work.

So then, when you're reading this (if you are - i shouldn't assume anything), you may notice some tiny discrepancies when things get repeated. Just a warning!

A typical conversation...

Well, i blew that rigorous diet i've been on lately* by eating a "big breakfast" at work this morning. I'm not really a fan of greasy breakfasts anymore but i was starving and that's what they had. It was either that or 0% MF yoghurt (shudder)**.

Today Mr N and i were discussing those weird undercar glow systems. Do you remember those things?

It was pretty much just neon lights mounted under a car. It sort of looked like the car was floating i guess. I couldn't ever understand the appeal with these. I mean, i'm ALL for making any vehicle look like a Landspeeder*** but really, isn't this taking things too far? I realize i'm not exactly being current or topical here, so maybe my next post should be about disco sucking...

Anyway, from there we got onto the topic of "black lights" - you remember those, right? Those lights that made anything with white in it glow really brightly? They used to have them up in bars. In theory, these seemed pretty cool, while it made fabric and teeth glow, it also brought out dandruff really well on dark shirts - not ideal for people in bars trying to impress. I remember once there was some guy who was "flying low", and his underpants were glowing through the fly of his jeans, and you could see this from way across the room. Whoops.

So we went from greasy breakfast to vanity car stuff to glow in the dark underpants. A typical day.


*that diet would be salami, scotch and arrowroot cookies
**i don't eat anything less than 8% normally. What's the point, otherwise?
***

Doctor Who, where are you?

Last weekend Brian H (who i went to a Doctor Who convention with back in the early 80s) sent me a link to a very brief little new Doctor Who clip.

Which made me CRAZY because i really want the new season to begin, but it doesn't until the spring.

At least there is the annual Christmas Special coming up. It is about the Titanic, i think, and has famous person Kylie Minogue in it.

I just wish the show was on RIGHT NOW.

NOW!!!

If only i could get the flux capacitor working again. That would solve everything (did i learn ANYTHING from "Back to the Future"?.

Ice on the streets

Wow, first day of winter (not technically) and boy does it suck.

My street is basically a solid sheet of ice. I imagine it will melt fairly fast, but today, it's bad.

I just shoveled the driveway but gave up in the end because it was just ice under the snow...ice that did not wish to participate in the shoveling. Regardless, if there's one thing you learn about driveways, snow and Canada - if you don't shovel every single time it snows, you'll just be sorry later on.

First day of winter (not technically) and boy does it suck.

Property Taxes, Leaves and the City

Leaves. Raking. Fall.

These words go together like some badly worded cliche that i could insert here. There, my intro is over.

The city of Guelph has many trees. Outside of my house are at least a couple of big ones. They are at least 50 years old and are very tall. I have one tree on my property, in the back yard, and my neighbours have some too. As a result, there are a lot of leaves to rake in the fall.

The City of Guelph needs to hire some Certified Arborists to consult for them. Apparantly, the garden waste pickup day was back at the very beginning of November. Unfortunately, i (and a large percentage of the neighborhood) missed it. Why? Well, most of the garden waste (ie. leaves) are currently still up in the trees...this makes it a little tricky to pack the leaves into the large paper wastebags, and even trickier to get them to the curb in time for the ONE SINGLE DAY they allocate for pickup.

Not to worry, though. Yes, i have bags full of hedge branches from the time the city ordered me to trim down my hedge - bags that will sit in the garage until the spring. However, i am not worried, because in my neighborhood, you are allowed to rake your leaves out onto the curb edge, and the city comes around to shovel/vacuum them up! It's so easy!!!

Except...

...the cutoff date for the streetside leaf cleanup program was November 12th. Dammit. The leaves are STILL UP IN THE TREES. Seriously. I looked the other day, and a very conservative estimate is that over 60 PERCENT OF THE LEAVES ARE STILL UP IN THE TREES.

Good news though!!! I called the City regarding the loose leaf collection program, asked about this deadline. The lady on the phone informed me that they've extended the loose leaf collection program! They've extended it...

...to tomorrow. After that, you're screwed. You have to bag them - and i'm telling you, i'm going to have at least 20 bags - and drive them to the dump.

This is my first year paying property taxes. I'm glad to see they're working so well in my favour.

I stink, therefore, i am

This is rather embarrassing but it is the truth so it must stand for all to read.

I freaking stink. Badly.

This may or may not be news to you, and go ahead, get your immature little jokes off your collective chest.

OK. It goes like this. I noticed a little while ago that my boxing/workout clothes don't smell very good, even after washing. I'd go to class and think, "what the hell, i haven't even STARTED exercising yet?!". Now as i've mentioned on this blog before - i sweat really really horribly and very very badly. In fact, you cannot believe how much i sweat. I've talked to girls who say things like, "oooh, yes, i sweat a lot too" but then i later find out that their version of really badly is a slight sexy glowy sheen about their forehead. I'm talking it looks like i jumped in a barrel of fresh rainwater, except the rainwater is disgusting sweat. Remember "the eel"? Yep.

OK again. Lately, as i've been sitting at my desk at work at 7:30 a.m. drinking my first coffee, i've found myself saying (not out loud) "What the ____ is that smell?! It smells like boxing!". Then i realize that for some reason, the clothes that i am wearing are smelling faintly like my boxing shirts and stuff! Ugh! Now i know that unless someone gets within 1 metre of me they won't notice (and luckily i have a personal force field that prevents such mishaps). So no one at work knows. But what about people OUTSIDE of work, people who i actually allow within the forcefield (for hugs, to pick their pockets, etc)? They will notice!

OK once more. Let's get to the heart of the matter. Here's the setup: i traditionally wash in cold water, use a cold water detergent, and water softener (Calgon). I hang everything to dry, don't use the dryer. I know that some of you are going to send in solutions. Some will be good, but some of these will be so blatantly obvious that i will personally feel insulted by them ("did you try putting detergent in the machine?!?!") *. To this end, i will list the things that i have tried so that no one sends in obvious solutions, or things that i've tried already.

-wash in hot water (i tried this weeks ago with the boxing gear - it did however help with some towels the other day)
-change detergent brands
-use water softener powder (we have very hard water in Guelph which prevents soap from doing exactly what it should, and makes for bad rinsing)
-run CLR or vinegar through the washer to take care of rust buildup
-try to clean lint trap (this machine is crap and doesn't have one)
-consider buying a water softener (i'm going to but they cost lots)
-consider buying a new washer (i'm going to but they cost lots)
-consider using a dryer (i hate hate hate the dryer but may have to buy one as the one that came with the house sucks - but, see above two posts)
-use baking soda in the wash to help with odours
-run the rinse cycle twice
-be sure not to use too much or too little detergent
-try cold water detergent
-hang dry clothes in sunlight
-hang dry clothes next to furnace
-run machine empty and look at water to see if it's discoloured, smelly, etc (i will try this - the Textiles Expert tried it on the weekend but with sheets in wash)
-disconnect hoses, etc and look inside to see if there's gunk in them (haven't tried yet but will)
-take apart machine and see what it looks like inside (mostly this is just curiousity)

If you have any solutions that aren't on that list, and aren't simply rewordings of things on the list, feel free to send them. Oh, and not wearing clothes is REALLY not an option.

I will tell you what is probably going to actually happen. I am going to most likely cash in some stocks and by the following:
a) a water softener unit
b) a front load washer
c) a front load dryer (which i guess they all are but still)

This is an expensive solution but i am willing to pay ANYTHING to ensure that i don't end up living out my fears of being branded Mister BO. I'm Mister TO', thank you very much. And really, the dryer at my place doesn't work and the washer is not that good. So it's time.



*i don't mean to sound snide. OK, maybe a little...but understand that a man's social standing rides not on his reputation, but rather, on his lack of offensive odour. How can you charm a room full of people if you've offended them without uttering a word (and i'm not talking about crass t-shirts).

Parade rainer

Here's what i want to know: are you a parade rainer/excitement quasher?

I'll explain.

Someone comes into the room and is excited about something. Maybe it's a TV show they saw or a book they read or a story they heard. They start to tell you and you interupt them and make a sort of snide remark about the thing they're clearly peaked about. You deflate their excitement and ruin their little moment.

Example:
Joe: "Oh my God, i'm sooo excited - there's a great new Thai place opening downtown that i've heard is going to be amazing"
Parade Rainer (interrupting): "OH, I JUST LIKE MCDONALDS I DON'T NEED ALL THAT GOURMET STUFF. IT'S GROSS!!"

or maybe

Jane: "Wow i'm so excited, my all time favorite band is playing in Toronto soon! Holy cow! I can't wait!!"
Excitement Quasher: "REALLY? YOU ACTUALLY THOSE GUYS? I DON'T THINK THEY'RE THAT GOOD."

I am not quite sure what the deal is with these folks. Maybe someone shit all over their fun when they were kids? Maybe an evil clown ruined one of their birthday parties? So maybe they think it's appropriate to ruin someone else's excitement?

I seriously think that there are people out there who cannot stand to see other people get excited or happy about something, and they have to destroy that moment in order to feel good about themselves somehow. You know what, parade rainers? Who gives a crap what you like or think. None of us need to hear your lame-o opinions. Keep them to yourself.

I mean, it's ok to joke around and stuff, but i've never understood vehemence and venom that is sometimes delivered in this context.

Nothing like this has actually happened to me lately, don't worry. I am fine! Just fine. I'm just trying to do a public service.

SANTA CLAUS is coming to town

Today is the Santa Claus parade down. This means that if you were planning to drive to Latino's to meet friends for breakfast, you would probably have planned a better route, had you known.

I saw a lot of kids getting snowpants put on them by their parents. I might be temperature insensitive, but it REALLY isn't that cold out, even for small kids. But i guess all kids love snowpants so it doesn't really matter.

We used to go to a variety of parades when i was a kid, the Toronto Santa Claus Parade, the Philadelphia Mummer's parade, and so forth. One thing really used to confuse me as a child, though. I'll show you by posting a blatantly stolen photo from somewhere on the 'net*:

Now to adults such as yourselves (i'm assuming, anyway), this is probably a very simplistic problem. However, when i was 6, i simply could not comprehend how the hell those clowns and ducks could walk on their hands for the ENTIRE PARADE. It's a long parade, and it was often chilly enough for snowpants, so i just figured these guys would get really tired very quickly. Most adults i asked back then would just sort of shrug their shoulders.

One day i eventually noticed a face in the clown's butt (i bet some random google searcher will be brought here via that last sentence). I think that was worse than figuring out about ess ay en tee ay being a sham...

Were i asked by a small child today about how those ducks and clowns can walk like that for so long, i would simply give them the most honest, straightforward answer that i could muster up: skyhooks.



*if this is your photo that i stole, i'm sorry. Luckily i'm covered by some sort of free speech/information thing. Kidding. No, if it is, send me your name and stuff because it's been sitting on my desktop for a while and i can't recall where i got it from...

Just to clarify...

It looks spooky out. The only way to counteract it is to eat Sage Derby cheese.

Somehow that seems logical.

Sorry, that's all you get today.

Hewlett Packard you suck

I bought an HP printer last night (& HP Sauce, but that's a different - and more delicious story).

I tried installing the software for it on both the Mac and the PC. It didn't work on either.

I wasted hours trying to get it working. I eventually went online to the HP site and downloaded what *appeared* to be the same software package. It must not have been, though, because it actually works now.

HP - just so you know - you kind of suck. Send me a free gift and i may retract this post. Hewlett Packard. That's right.

Magic Party

Last night was a successful night.

I held a small get together at my place. It was basically a belated birthday party for Cheryl - i was away when she had her own birthday party and then October was a very busy month. It was not really a surprise party at all - she knew who was going to be there for the most part, with the exception of one person.

Bill Abbott.

Bill is a fantastic magician from Toronto. I first caught his act a few years ago when he was doing a residency at the Top of the Senator Lounge in Toronto. I went to see him a few times there, and Cheryl came with me once. She really enjoyed it. Bill's act is about as far removed from what passes as magic on TV as you can get - meaning that it is good magic performed by a charming and charismatic guy. I really wish that i could have invited every single person i know to this event, but space was truly limited.

Bill arrived about a 1/2 an hour before Cheryl did so she was surprised to see him there. We all ate snacks, had some wine, and then proceeded to head downstairs into the mural room in the (semi)finished basement. Bill put on an hour long show that involved mindreading, objects vanishing and reappearing in very odd places, and a lot of fun and laughter. I think that every single person there truly had a good time. The night was over and most of the folks were on their way home by 10:30 or so.

I wholeheartedly and unconditionally can recommend Bill Abbout as an entertainer to any event. He performs tricks that seem timeless, and adds his own unique touch to everything he does. His act is tastefully peppered with a wry sense of humour as he interacts with the audience. If you are EVER looking to have entertainment at your home, or at a kid's birthday party, or a cocktail party or corporate function, this is a man that you should seriously consider hiring. I know that my guests would say the same thing.

Here are some pictures we took using the MacBookPro camera. People got a little zany with the effects!!
Bill Abbott looking Warholian.

Cheryl and the Derm

Marion and me and Douglas

BUT OH SNAP - BILL IS DOING SOMETHING MAGIC HERE AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENS...

Kyle?? Cheryl?? Kyryl???!

Steph...what happened to your boyfriend!?! 'Roids?

Some say "bumhead", some say "Talosian"...

Oh man. Guest of honour gets cyclopsed...but hey, double the host, double the fun!!

Even Bill Abbott falls victim to his own spell...

What a fun night!!! Thank you Bill Abbott. I only wish we could have made my hangover disappear the next day...

(If you weren't there and wish you were, apologies - i quite literally had very limited space in the room and limited the invite to people who have known Ms Misener for a very long time ie. a decade - i promise to have another fun party and invite you)

TV Writers - on strike!

OH NO! TV writer's strike! Impending!

I bet this means that so called reality shows, which we all know are totally scripted, will also have to go off the air for a while. This should prove once and for all that they are not reality and have little to do with it. Maybe they'll bring in some scab writers during the strike. Here are some of my ideas that they could use:

Survivor: someone punches that guy who snuffs the torches at the end in the face. Or maybe someone does what i would do - go all Rambo on them. Smash the cameras, take all the food and head off into the mountains.

The Office: just move the cameras into my office and start filming. Trust me. (Was that about work? Uh oh!).

Heroes: give Ando powers. Come on. He deserves it more than anyone else on the freaking show.

Battlestar Galactica: have an episode where Starbuck rebels, Adama has to deal with insubordination, Apollo has woman troubles and Dr Baltazar hallucinates out loud and somehow no one in the room sees it...oh wait...that's every episode.

*******************************************************

I am feeling lazy so i won't do the research here, but it seems to me like there has been more than 1 show about a kid who is actually a robot. Wasn't there some show called "Little Wonder" or "Small Wonder" or something? And "AstroBoy"? And i thought maybe there was some other show about a boy who was actually a robot, starring Alan Thicke as the inventor - but maybe that was a made for TV movie. I know, i know, i could google it but i'm feeling lazy (though not too lazy enough to stop me from writing about hugely important subject matter like this).

I think if i made a show about a kid that turned out to be a robot, i'd have the kid go crazy and start shooting death rays out of its eyes. None of this namby pamby stuff. Just violence, horrendous, terrifying violence that plays on one of our deepest collective fears: that our kids might turn out to be deadly robots. Because you know, that's relevant somehow...

Really though, i wouldn't have thought that anyone would have used this concept more than once. Then again, look at "My Favourite Martian", "Mork & MIndy" and "Alf"...

An aside: remember that episode of "Happy Days" where Mork from Ork showed up? That has to be a fairly colossal example of "jumping the shark" (not that Happy Days hadn't before). Seriously, what drugs were the writers who pitched THAT one on? How would you even have brought it up to the committee? "Yeah, i know this is a show about mid-western teenagers growing up in the '50s, but you know what would really emphasize that? If we stuck an alien with superpowers in for an episode, and he battles Fonzie!". The worst part - of course it all turned out to be a dream. Oddly enough, i think that his guest appearance actually preceded the "Mork & Mindy" TV show.

Maybe that episode was the result of a writer's strike.

Big Buck

Our Canadian dollar broke a record yesterday, that of being worth $1.10 US. I personally don't believe that it will hold this high for too much longer, but it's been a fun ride. Much of my life, our buck's been worth about 3/4 of what the US dollar is worth so this is all a bit odd.

Many people here want the price tags on things like magazines, books, etc to be made equal. I don't know if that'll happen everywhere or not, but it is happening here and there.

While in a US liquor store, a bottle of Balvenie scotch that would sell for $70 up here sells for $40 down there. Crazy!

One thing that was kick in the pants occurred a couple of days ago. Whilst coming back from the US, you have to pay a fee/toll/tax of some kind right after customs. The sign reads "$3.00 US or $3.50 Canadian". This to me is a bit of an insult. Come on. Change it. If ever any price were ever hugely symbolic, this is it. You're practically and literally sitting on the dividing border between the countries. Really, as of yesterday, that sign should have read "$3.50 US or $3.00 Canadian". In fact if only one thing gets changed, i hope that's it.

In the meantime, enjoy the ride while it lasts.

Bob Evans

I don't know whether to curse Bob Evans or bless his name.

Bob Evans. I ate your biscuits and sausage gravy this morning by the New Jersey Turnpike and had to eat half a pack of Rolaids to counteract the effects.

Bob Evans. Your sausage gravy is served in a large bowl and it is very spicy and delicious, but i wasn't sure whether i was supposed to eat the gravy with a spoon and was too embarrassed to ask. But i wanted to. You probably knew that.

Bob Evans. Even the waitress at your restaurant warned me that i may have a heart attack after eating your food.

Bob Evans. Sometimes you serve a 1/2 a cob of corn with your meals. How did you know i love that so much?

Bob Evans. I drove by 3 of your restaurants on the New York interstate, and then realized it was too late to stop in and get some of your scrumptious home cooked family fun festival of a meal. But i found you in New Jersey, didn't i?

Bob Evans. I could have eaten a free meal at the hotel this morning, but do they serve sausage gravy? Do they? No. They do not. But you do.

Bob Evans. Who are you? Do you even exist? Are you real like Dave from Wendy's was before he died, or fake like Ronald McDonald??

NJ

Am in a hotel lobby in New Jersey.

I was in Philadelphia yesterday.

I managed to eat a cheesesteak. It was very good.

There was a funny incident last night at the hotel. We got back from my aunt's place around10 pm. My parents went to their hotel room and there was a knock on the door. The desk clerk stood there and looked a bit sheepish and said, "sir, i'm pretty sure i have the wrong room, but i have to ask - there have been complaints of marijuana smoke coming from your room - it isn't you, is it?" My father invited the clerk to come in and check the place out but he declined. I could have told them where it was coming from - the room on the other side of my room appeared to be having some sort of party. I'm pretty sure that's where it was...all we had was some Sam Adams beer.

rANdOm

Random day thoughts that are not meant to be funny but rather to illustrate what goes through my mind in a typical day.

-I should have eaten the pumpkin seeds for breakfast today...now i am craving them.

-I am wondering though...do my fingernails and toenails grow abnormally fast? Because after about a week and a half, my fingernails really get fairly long and need to be trimmed. I wonder how often people trim their nails.

-Because really, HOW is it possible that GI Joe went from being a foot tall with a fuzzy beard and kung fu grip to being like 3 inches tall, made of plastic? And wasn't GI Joe originally a loner? All of a sudden in the 80s he had this whole army of friends behind him.

-Is it *really* that much healthier to put skim milk in your coffee than creme? If you only drink one per day, that's hardly ANY creme. Isn't it better to just cut out things like ice cream and chips instead? Skim milkified coffee tastes like a horse's ass. OK i don't actually know that but you know what i mean.

-If i hear monkeys or recordings of monkeys, i instantly start laughing. This is not because i think they're inferior. All my exposure to monkeys has been through comedy situations ie. Chimp TV, circus monkeys, etc. I have a feeling that if i had real exposure to monkeys in their natural habitat, i'd be terrified of them and wouldn't laugh. Case in point: a lady at work had her hell bitten off by one as a child...not so funny.