Honey, where's my super-suit??!

Somethings, i'm not an expert on. Some things, i am.

Someone asked me to talk about an important issue: superhero costume changes.

Comic book superheroes can do these amazing incredible things, but for the most part, the issue of changing into their costume is often dealt with in an undignified and silly manner.

Let's look at the Flash (meaning the Silver age Barry Allen version). Here is a guy who could run REALLY fast. If someone pointed a gun at him and fired, he was easily able to out race the bullet and snatch it from the air. He ran at speeds approaching the speed of light, in some stories. For some reason, he kept his costume in a ring that he wore on his finger. He would flip it open and the costume would pop out to full size, and i guess he'd put it on at superspeed (so as not to be unsightly in front of the villains). What i don't understand is why they would put this stupid unrealistic (?) ring thing in, when he could have just run home, made a sandwich, dressed leisurely, and run back before the villains noticed anything? And as Mik El pointed out, if he runs really really fast, no one would be able to see him anyway - so why wear a costume? or even clothes?

Superman is another oddball character for the costume change. I believe he always wears his costume under his Clark Kent clothes - but what does he do with his normal suit, tie, shoes, etc? And on that note - where does he hide those big deluxe super-boots? Under his normal street shoes?? I don't think so. We all know that Superman changes in places like phone booths, janitor closets, etc, but they rarely address the issue of where the street clothes go. One issue dealt with this by claiming he had a pocket in his cape that he stuffed his attire into, but i would think having a pair of shoes and suit and shirt in your cape wouldn't make it look so nice when flying about - it wouldn't billow properly. And we know THAT'S important. And by the way - have any of you ever actually tried to change in a phone booth? It's not as easy as you might think.

Both Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel (Shazam) change into their costumes by means of magic. Wonder Woman does that classic "twirl & spin" move amidst a cloud of glitter, and she's transformed. Billy Batson just calls the name of the wizard Shazam, and crack! he's instantly transformed into Captain Marvel, in full red and gold costume. Talk about having it easy! All those two have to do is make sure no one's around when they do it - though, really, a giant bolt of lightening and crack of thunder might give SOMETHING away...

Batman - and NO he doesn't slide down a freaking "batpole" like in that stupid TV show - according to Mik El, Batman takes the longest to change into his batsuit because he's gotta clamp on body armor, a big belt, etc. But, because he's so freaking rich, Bruce Wayne has dozens of batsuits, cars, etc secreted about Gotham city, so he can change at his leisure.

Iron Man is also a rich dude, but for some reason, he often carries the Iron Man armor around in a briefcase. Imagine the trouble that might cause at the airport!

Green Lantern just uses his ring to zap a costume onto himself. If we go by comic book logic, though, if GL gets knocked out, his costume should disappear because his ring is no longer be commanded by his will power to make the costume. Conceivably, he could be unconsious wearing nothing but undies and ring.

Spiderman is the most realistic with respect to the clothing issue. They address it directly all the time in Spidey comics. He wears his costume under his Peter Parker clothes and keeps the mask and gloves in his pocket or something. I can't recall if he always wears his webshooters - although in one recent issue, he was seen walking up a flight of stairs in a short sleeved shirt, and in one panel, sprayed the guy with webs, but in the next, had no shooters on. Maybe they've gone the route of the movies, with the webs coming out subcutaneously. Anyway, what does ol' Webhead actually do with his tshirt, sneakers, etc? He puts them into a web ball and hangs it off a building, or up in a tree, or somewhere convenient. That way, when he's done fighting crime, he comes back and takes them out of the hiding place, and is good to go. I know any hardcore comic fan is saying "but his webbing disolves in an hour - what happens to his clothes then"? Well, true believers, they have actually addressed this issue several times in Spidey comics over the years. He has swung his way back to the place he stashed his clothes, only to find that the webbing has long since dissolved, and his attire is now strewn all over New York city. In fact, i seem to recall, upon returning from the Secret Wars (where all the Marvel Comics guys were gone from Earth for a long while), he found that birds had taken his clothes, wallet, etc and turned them into pieces for a nest! And for a while, he had this black alien symbiote costume that could morph into street clothes, a Spider suit, whatever. Now that's handy! As usual, Spiderman is more realistic on all fronts - within the confines of a comic universe, of course.

I guess it's lucky none of us have to think about such things.

Well, some of us, anyway.